Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It's going to be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from spot. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

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  A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")

  
  


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  Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable water. But Of course, guaranteed, let's have A further area exactly where American men can don robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: offer All people a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

"That is smooth ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he should really cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You realize, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance Trump Tower Damascus imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from space, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, classified.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Options

Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

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  A silent atrium the place company may possibly ponder vague disappointment

  
  


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  A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Handle established to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

  
  

Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Come"

The advertisement campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

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  34% say "it would stabilize the realm"

  
  


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  29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

  
  


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  eighteen% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"

  
  

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister

  
  


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  The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."